Thursday, June 26, 2014

I haven't been here for ages...

It's been so long since I've been here. I've not written, and it feels like I've lost my writing mojo. So now I'm trying to get back here, to that place where writing seemed to sooth my soul. I miss writing.

My brain is all over the place.

Trying to stay busy today, trying to settle my heart, so started the morning weed whacking (Lordy, it feels good to destroy weeds), at least until I ran out of trimmer string. Who would have guessed that killing plants would be comforting? Went out for a drive in the country with Rocky, stopped at a few sales, found nothing but still it was good to get out for a backroads country ride. Ignoring the phone - don't feel like talking today. I talk all day long at work because that's what I'm supposed to do, so my days off are mine to talk-or-not-talk. Now getting ready to make freezer jam with the local strawberries I picked up yesterday.

Mostly I'm trying to not think of six years ago today. On June 26, 2008, my life changed forever. It began a year of fear and pain, a year of trying to deal with life spinning beyond my control, a year of stress through horribleness.  On June 26, I had a stroke while living and running my antiques business in Maine. Then I learned that God really doesn't give you more than you can handle (although I certainly questioned that at the time) - three months later we discovered that Tom had Stage IV esophageal cancer. I left Maine to return home to Michigan to help him through a year of treatments at the University of Michigan. Tom died in October 2009, taking a piece of my heart with him forever.

So today I am trying hard not to think about that time, yet still, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am alive after having a stroke. I am grateful that I was able to spend that last summer in Maine, doing what I love - antiques - in a place that I love. I am grateful that God sent me a very specific message to return home to take care of Tom, although at the time of my stroke, neither of us realized that the upcoming year would lead us down that cancer hell-road. I am grateful that I had one last year with Tom, and we made the best of it. I have such good memories.

I am trying hard not to think of the future we had planned and looked forward to. Life changes, and I've learned to be flexible enough to handle those changes. I don't have to like them; I only have to live with them. Time allows for healing if you want to heal, and I'm getting there. A few years ago I decided to heal. Sure glad there's no time limit...

It's an ongoing process, that healing thing. My life is nothing like it was six years ago, and I'm ok with that. It's evolving, and I trying to look forward to the next unknown, whatever it is. Change is ok.

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